'Zookeeper" can't keep it together

If you could talk to the animals, imagine your disappointment when they began bickering and shouting like characters from a failing sitcom. Now imagine spending an hour and 40 minutes listening to them in Dolby digital.

Welcome to "Zookeeper," a loud and grindingly unfunny Kevin James comedy that squanders its talented voice cast and abuses its human chattel in a way that American Humane Association would never tolerate. It's also the sad, final curtain for Tweet, a giraffe and veteran actor ("Ace Ventura: Pet Detective," the Toys "R" Us commercials) who died shortly after filming. At least he won't have to face the reviews.

James plays Griffin, a staffer at Boston's Franklin Park Zoo who is trying to woo the gorgeous, shallow Stephanie (Leslie Bibb). She presses him to quit his unglamorous job, but -- in a twist too illogical to explain -- the animals decide to speak up and help Griffin get the girl so he'll stay.

Joe the Lion (Sylvester Stallone) advises aggression; the bears (Jon Favreau and Faizon Love) show Griffin how to swagger; Donald the Monkey (Adam Sandler) tells him to "throw poop." Griffin, like a moron, obliges nearly all of them in a series of depressingly dull routines. Only one scene, in which Bernie the Gorilla (Nick Nolte) enjoys a rowdy night at T.G.I. Friday's, has a spark of inspiration.

Frank Coraci, the Shirley-born director, assembles the movie so disjointedly that it feels almost surreal -- suddenly, a bicycle race! -- and he couldn't care less about his actors or their characters. Rosario Dawson, as the "right" girl, is wasted. Cue the pandering classic-rock songs, run the gag reel and it's finally lights up.