'The River': Up the creek, with a paddle

And then . . . something terrible happened. No, he wasn't canceled; rather, he disappeared into the vast reaches of the Amazon jungle. What happened to the dear boy? That's what a TV network wants to find out, offering to pay for his search, on one condition. His wife, Tess (Leslie Hope), who will lead the search, and son, Lincoln (Joe Anderson), must consent to have their every move chronicled by a camera crew, led by Cole's smug ex-producer, Clark (Paul Blackthorne). But what terrifying horrors await them all in the jungle?

"Lost," for example, had a smoke monster. "The River" has a monster that looks like a watermelon -- or maybe a deflated basketball (hard to tell which through the grainy footage). Plus, when an extended sequence involves a teddy bear, accompanied by lines like "That's my teddy bear!," then comedy is certain to ensue. In fact, with minor adjustments, "The River" could easily be a send-up of the whole genre; as it now stands, this will probably turn into some sort of drinking game for fans. (Chug every time someone mentions Teddy!)

That said, "The River" still has a quirkily eccentric charm. It's just so deliciously odd.