Ask the Clergy: Marriage vow renewal

Renewing marital vows has become a popular concept. There's even marriage renewal social etiquette to consider: Are gifts appropriate? Should I -- can I -- wear my old gown? If you're still on the fence about retaking the plunge, we asked the clergy if the Scriptures talk about renewing marriage vows.

Pastor A.G. Chancellor Jr., Fellowship Baptist Church, Wyandanch:

I haven't seen any Scriptures that talk about renewing one's vows. Of course, there also aren't any Scriptures that say it is wrong to do so. I know that people do so to put more life into the marriage. Some feel that if they redo their vows, they can keep the marriage going strong. Some just want that big marriage they didn't have the first time.

One's marriage vows are like anything else in the Bible: once is enough. When you make that vow, you make a vow. It is man who changes, not the Scriptures.

It is not wrong to want to do so and I would perform the ceremony if asked. It just isn't necessary scripturally.

I have a couple now who are planning to renew their vows. They married in August and then he was deployed. They couldn't afford the big wedding. So, they're planning to redo their vows when he returns. I expect to do the exact same type of service as before.

My wife and I made our vows 40-plus years ago and we made the one vow, and that's enough. There are up times and down times, but we feel we renew our vows to each other each day.

Rabbi Arthur Schwartz, Kehillath Shalom, Community of Peace, Cold Spring Harbor:

I can't find a Scripture that speaks to couples renewing their vows. I do think that renewing one's vows is a wonderful thing. The Scriptures value the relationship between a man and a woman, a person and his or her beloved. It is the foundation of our society, our synagogues and churches. It is a way of building a more wonderful world for all of us.

I personally have participated in a number of ceremonies where couples have chosen to renew their vows. It is different from the first time around. Now, they come to these words with such wisdom, such a foundation of love and sharing. They have experienced life together and their love is much richer.

I surprised my wife with a renewal ceremony. I had invited some friends at the synagogue to witness it. While we used similar words to the ones we originally spoke, we were brimming with such joy because we've marched up that mountain hand in hand.

When I sit with young couples who are thinking of getting married, I often say to them, "I know you're in love, but you've really only scratched the surface of the love you'll have if you work together toward it."

The Rev. Kymberley Clemons "K.C." Jones,Valley Stream Presbyterian Church, Valley Stream:

The Scriptures expect you to be married forever. Interestingly, the Scriptures do talk about renewing your faith. I do think that renewing your vows is a great way to recommit to your marriage. My problem with renewing one's vows is that people do it as haphazardly as they did the first time.

Why spend all this time and money on renewing your vows when the marriage isn't where it should be? Couples considering renewing their vows should spend some time in marriage counseling to make sure the next 20 years will be better than the previous 10, 20 or whatever.

I think it is important that all couples regularly review whether they're on the right track in their marriage. If you are renewing your vows, you have to let go of all the mistakes and perceived injuries. You're starting with a new fervor, new skills. You shouldn't bring the same old problems to the marriage. That's why I recommend marriage counseling before you renew your vows.

Imam Alamin Latif, Masjid Allahu Akbar, also known as Al-Jamiyat Islamic Center, Wyandanch:

There is no provision in Islam for renewing one's vows. From an Islamic perspective, the marriage is based on obedience to God. We have to be mindful of that relationship at all times. God commands the man to be patient, loving, gentle and provide for his wife. The wife is commanded to love, care for and obey her husband.

I have had no one make that request for vow renewal of me. Of course, people have come to me to renew their marriage in an informal way at times. They grow apart and need to get things back on track. Then, they would sit down with the imam or an elder and be reminded of what the marital relationship is all about. If you're being mindful of your vows each day, and are mindful of what God says, you don't need to renew formally because you're honoring them every day.

If someone came to me and wanted a renewal ceremony, I'd ask them what they mean by renew. I'd then counsel them to find out what is wrong and encourage them to continue to be patient with each other as they work through their problems.