Asking the clergy about service attendance

It can be incredibly difficult when spouses are on different pages. This can be especially tricky when religion is the place where they can't see eye-to-eye. We asked the clergy, "How would you advise someone whose spouse won't attend sevices?" They offer suggestions for those who are attending services solo, but would rather go in tandem.

Rabbi Deborah K. Bravo, senior rabbi, North Shore Synagogue, Syosset:

I've absolutely experienced this as a rabbi. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon. There are often times when one member of the couple stays on the periphery. We have to remember and respect that we are not all at the same place in our spiritual journey.

I had one couple where the wife attended services, but the husband would stay outside in the car. After service, he'd come in for the social aspect. He wanted to be supportive of her in some way.

If you are part of a couple and your spouse doesn't attend, make sure that doesn't stop you from attending. Perhaps, as your spirituality becomes more meaningful to you, it will become more meaningful to your spouse. Don't force it on the other person. Just let them experience it through you.

Sometimes, couples have to negotiate the process. Maybe the non-attending spouse agrees to attend certain services, special services. But, at the very least, the one who doesn't attend shouldn't keep the other from attending.

Father Damian O. Halligan, St. Ignatius Jesuit Retreat House, Manhasset:

Love the spouse. Recall the marriage vow: "I will love and honor you all the days of my life." Doesn't that mean respecting the freedom, dignity and legitimate choices of the other? Most would love to have their loved ones worship with them in the hope of deepening their bond with one another and others. But maybe the opposite effect may happen if the heart of the other is not into it and we push too much. How about starting with a little prayer before meals or at bedtime instead?

Read Matthew 25: 31-46 of Jesus' description of the last judgment. "When I was hungry you gave me food and when I was thirsty you gave drink. Whatever you did for one of the least of my brothers or sisters you did for me. Come you, who are blessed by my father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world."

It says nothing about going to the mosque, temple or church. The proof of the pudding is really in what we do after attending the latter. In marriage, what religious service would be better than accepting, supporting and loving one's spouse just as he or she is and leave the rest to God?

The goal isn't necessarily to get the person to go to services, but rather to help him or her to have a spiritual relationship with God. Don't assume the person isn't spiritual just because he or she doesn't attend services.

Father Alexander Karloutsos, Greek Orthodox Church of the Hamptons, Southampton; and assistant to Archbishop Demetrios, primate of the Greek Orthodox Church in America, Manhattan:

I'd paraphrase Albert Einstein by saying: The only rational way of educating is by example. If you are consistent in your worship experience, then the other person will learn from you. But it is not just about going into the house of worship, it is also about how you come out. You need to show how the worship experience impacted you.

There is nothing you can say to convince a reluctant person to attend services. You can convince the person by your actions. You have to be the change you want to see in others.

Don't yell at or argue with the person. Acknowledge their behavior and their choice. If you become frustrated or resentful, remember to look at the person through the Father's eyes, which will always allow you to see him or her with love.

Think of the prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32). His father's eyes were always open, scanning the horizon for his return. Make sure your loved one knows that he or she is always welcome to attend services with you, even if you don't extend the invitation every week. And, continue to pray for your spouse.