Basic hygiene ignored when kids visit Grandpa

DEAR AMY: I am the mother of three children, ages 3, 7 and 9. My father is very involved in their lives and he and his wife often take one of them for the day or the weekend. When my children are returned to me, typically they have not eaten anything but snacks and candy, they have uncombed hair, dirty clothes and other indications of disarray. For example, my 3-year-old son recently spent the night at their house. He came home the next day wearing a diaper (he is potty-trained but he wears a diaper at night), and when I asked about it, I was told that they had not bothered to take it off in the morning. He had slept in his clothes, which were filthy. I understand and support the notion that the rules should be relaxed when hanging out with grandparents, but it bothers me when my children come home in this condition. When I have voiced my concerns, my father responds that I am "nagging" him about trivial things and not being appreciative. I am grateful he is so active in my children's lives, but is it too much to ask that he feed them reasonably well, change their clothes and put them to bed in their pajamas? This is just basic caretaking, right?

-- Overconcerned Mom?

DEAR OVERCONCERNED: Your standards seem very reasonable.

So why are you consigning your children to spend nights in this household where they are literally lying in their own filth? You don't mention what the kids think of this treatment, but even children who enjoy eating candy for dinner at their grandparents' house also have an awareness of when they are not being well cared for.

Grandparents enjoy indulging their grandchildren, but what you report is serious neglect, and because you are aware of it you are as responsible as your father is when you let your kids spend the night there.

They should not have overnights there unless the adults can show some basic ability to feed, bathe and clothe them.

If this makes you a "nag," then wear the badge proudly.