Farmer's son feels like just an employee

DEAR AMY: My father and I have a rather skewed relationship. It feels more like employer and employee than father and son. My father is a farmer (he also grew up on a farm). He has another job that brings in most of our family's income, but has the farm too. We sell homegrown produce. He spends his time doing his job, tending to the farm or selling produce. He doesn't give himself much time for other things that I think are more important, like spending time with his family. However, the farm is too large for him to operate alone, so my siblings and I have to work. He pays us, but we don't really have much choice in the matter. He says we are obligated to help him. I feel more like an employee and less like a son.

When I was younger, I didn't have much of a problem with it, but now he relies on me more than anyone else because I'm the oldest. This got worse when I was home-schooled for a year. I ended up feeling jealous of my siblings when they caught the bus every day, and I stayed outside helping him. How can I feel more like a son and less like an employee before I head off for college? I have no love or respect for him, but he doesn't know that. I want to tell him that I don't want him as a father, but will accept him as a friend. Will this work? Or do you have a better idea?

-- Employee in Idaho

DEAR EMPLOYEE: Like you, I grew up on a family farm. I understand your situation deep in my (tired) bones.

Your father is replicating the childhood (and probably the father/son relationship) he had. It's what he knows. The father/son dynamic can often be highly charged -- especially in family-run businesses.

You have been holding things in for so long that you've imagined the only way to alter this relationship is to blow it up. But relationships are built through small moments. You might start by asking your dad to describe his own father. This is an opening for a conversation. A confrontation is something you should put off until later.