Grandma upset at racial insensitivity
DEAR AMY: My daughter-in-law is white and is married to my son, who is half-Asian. They have three beautiful children younger than 5. When my daughter-in-law is out with the kids and they happen to see an Asian woman around my age, she always chats with the woman and tells her kids, "Doesn't she look like your grandma?" This happens all the time! I know this, because she tells me about it. I am concerned that what she is doing is racial prejudice (or profiling) and not good for the kids or me. This happened a few days ago. When I saw my grandchildren, the 4-year-old told me he does not like me anymore. He kept his distance. He used to be close and affectionate. I want to tell her to stop telling the kids that every Asian woman "looks like your grandma." It is like telling them all Asians look alike. I want to be respected by my grandchildren and not to feel prejudice against me. Am I being too sensitive?
-- Sad Grandma
DEAR SAD: You seem to be fusing two things that are likely unrelated.
First, to the behavior of your 4-year-old grandson. Many children this age go through a sudden and inexplicable bout of shyness -- especially when they sense any kind of tension.
Your grandson is just being a normal little boy. If he doesn't want to hug you, give him a friendly smile and say, "It's OK to feel a little shy. I feel that way sometimes, too!" Your daughter-in-law is likely well-meaning. She is pointing out Asian people and urging her children to identify with Asians. After all -- the kids are part Asian, too. However, I completely agree with your concern about this. It is condescending behavior -- and racially insensitive.
The next time your daughter-in-law tells you about this sort of encounter, respond, "Please understand that it's like you are saying that all Asians look alike. We don't. I'm a little sensitive about this; I'm sure you don't mean to be unkind, but it makes me a little sad." Tell your son you have had this conversation with his wife; he can fill her in if she has further questions.
