Request for secrecy taints uncle's gift
DEAR AMY: I started college this year. For a gift, my uncle wants to set up an account for me at his credit union and give me a debit card. He wants to reward me for working hard and wants to give me the flexibility to have some fun in college. We've already established that I will not be using his money to buy booze or drugs or get into any criminal or sketchy shenanigans. It's more just for things like shopping or movies, things that aren't covered by my tuition, but that my parents won't pay for either. The thing is, he doesn't want me to tell my parents. I suspect he's already suggested this gift to them, and they said it was too much. It does seem really generous to me. But, hey, I'm 18 -- I'm not about to complain! I really appreciate the gift and would really like to accept it. But should I clue my parents in? Or is this a case of "What they don't know won't hurt them?"
-- Wondering
DEAR WONDERING: This doesn't smell right. I'm not suggesting your uncle has nefarious motives, but if he wants to give you a cash gift, he should give you a cash gift of a specific amount. This looser arrangement could eventually give him too much financial control over you.
Regardless, your uncle should know better than to ask you to keep a secret from your parents.
You do know better. You are 18 and can accept this gift if you want to, but you are right to question the judgment of the person offering it. Most important, even if you can't quite put your finger on why something is wrong, you should always listen to your gut.
Then you should do the right thing.
Respond to your uncle: "I appreciate your gift, but I don't keep secrets from my parents, so it would be great if you could run this past them."
DEAR AMY: Your letter from "Concerned Dad" was from a frustrated father who was being asked to split the cost (with the bride's parents) for his unemployed son's expensive destination wedding. Although you said that the couple should finance it, and in this case I am inclined to agree (at least they should chip in!), I want to point out that the "traditional" setup is for the bride's parents to host the wedding and reception, and the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner.
-- Barb
DEAR BARB: You are correct about the "traditional" wedding arrangement, but most modern couples don't adhere to this traditional way of paying for their wedding. Couples should be in charge of financing their own weddings.
