Sister's gossip creates rift between siblings

DEAR AMY: I have a sister who has been mentally ill for 44 years with schizophrenia. She is not able to work and has been on welfare. I have helped her out for the past 25 years. When my husband died, I asked my brother to share some of the responsibility for her care. Now that he's helping out, he has more contact with our sister. She seems to delight in repeating any negative remarks he makes about me back to me. This makes me angry, so I don't wish to speak to him. I have asked my sister not to repeat any of my brother's remarks, but she keeps doing it. My brother has always been very defensive, perhaps because he's jealous. I am considering calling to inform him that our sister is repeating some of his negative remarks. I have been advised not to do this because he can be so defensive. I believe it is better to have things out in the open. How would you advise me to handle this situation?

-- Tired Older Sister

DEAR TIRED: It's futile to hold her completely responsible for her actions, but to some extent your sister may enjoy being the originator of family gossip and she may inflate or invent some of this negativity. She also might be repeating things you say to your brother.

You have asked her to stop, and now the logical and loving thing to do is remain as neutral as possible and simply inform your brother: "I need to tell you that, FYI, everything you say to our sister gets back to me, and probably some things you don't say to her also get back to me." Otherwise, consider the source and your sister's motivations and steel yourself for more. Remind her to please not repeat private statements.

You deserve so much credit for taking responsibility for her. If you and your brother can have an honest conference about her care, you could emerge from this experience as more of a team -- and that will be best for everyone.