Wife's snooping uncovers secret friendships

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for 30 years. During this time he has had platonic friendships with other women. I have always been fine with these friendships because I knew the women and he always told me whenever they met for lunch or drinks. For the past few years, he has been working in our home city (where we grew up) and flies home on the weekends. I recently found out that while he is away he has been getting together with old female friends from high school for lunch and drinks. He has not told me about these dates. I know he does not like spending time away from us, and I suspect he is finding a way to make his time there more enjoyable. But I still feel it is inappropriate for him to have female friendships that do not include me and that he does not tell me about. I also discovered he has given out his email address to women he has met while flying between work and home. I feel like there is a part of his life that he is keeping to himself, and this hurts. I have not confronted him yet because I don't want him to know I was able to hack into his email. Am I overreacting?

-- Frustrated at Home

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You don't say why you have maintained this commuter marriage for the past several years instead of relocating, but based on what you report, this arrangement has hit some turbulence. You are hacking into your husband's email and don't want to confront him -- presumably because you want to continue to snoop on him. Snooping and drawing conclusions are a waste of time and increase your anxiety. I suggest you force yourself to stop.

You must discuss your trust concerns with your husband. You may both believe that because this arrangement has "worked" for several years you don't need to discuss or rethink it, but it sounds like you do.

If you cannot stop hacking into your husband's email, then you really should admit it to him -- and face disclosing the loss of trust, knowing he will also have lost some trust in you.