Young woman unhappy living with hoarder mother

DEAR AMY: My mother is a hoarder. I have had a tumultuous relationship with her all my life. I recently had to move back in with my parents (I'm 21) post-college. She and my father had both told me the house was "getting better," but upon coming back home I saw this is not the case. My mother continues to act like a selfish 5-year-old when it comes to the house and the junk in it. She blames everyone else for her issues while playing the victim. Alas, no one was forcing her to purchase any of the junk in the house. I've been here for 10 days, and I'm already fed up. She's my mother, and although I hate her behavior, she is still my mom. Should I run, as all my instincts tell me to, or should I stay and keep trying to dig my family out?

-- Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: If you ignore all of your instincts and stay, trying to dig out your family, what is the likeliest outcome? If you answer: "I will be spiritually (and possibly actually) buried under a mountain of stuff," then the answer is that you should follow your instincts and leave home.

Hoarding can be the physical manifestation of a combination of mental and emotional dysfunction. People who hoard are able to change their behavior with extreme intervention, along with therapy and sometimes medication. If you see a hoarder in the throes of anxiety over possessions, you know this issue is more challenging than one 21-year-old can tackle.

I have benefited from lessons gleaned from the "Fly Lady" (FlyLady.net) and organizer Peter Walsh (peterwalshdesign.com). Both offer wonderful ideas of how to get started, and keep going.

None of this will help your folks, however, unless they decide they want to change. Your pressure and frustration will not help -- but will provide them with additional emotional "stuff" to throw into a corner.

Your job in life is to be respectful and loving toward your folks, while understanding that, unfortunately, you cannot save them from themselves.