Long Island moms still find support in 'Fourth Trimester' group, one year later 

When Nicole Amato’s son took his first steps this past Thanksgiving, Amato sent a video of Roman walking to three recipients: her mom, her dad, and then to the group of women she met just over a year ago at a new moms' suppport group.

“That was the next in line after my parents. That should tell you how I feel about this group,” says Amato, 37, an accountant from Lindenhurst whose son is now 14 months old.

Amato joined a group for mothers of newborns called “Fourth Trimester Support Circle” at the Nesting Place in Farmingdale when Roman was 4 weeks old, not knowing what to expect. Twelve mothers with infants ages newborn to 5 months met weekly for six weeks for 90 minutes each time, and the group of strangers grew into what they now refer to as a “family” that has helped each other beyond the formal end of the group, through the diaper rashes, sleep issues and feeding concerns of the first year of parenthood. They recently had an anniversary gathering with their babies at the Nesting Place’s Yaphank location, which opened last spring.

‘UPLIFTED BY THE WOMEN’

“These groups are so important for many different reasons,” says Marla Hamilton, 41, of Greenlawn, a postpartum doula who facilitates new mother groups for The Nesting Place. “It’s so all-consuming when you have a new baby. It normalizes the feeling of struggle when it’s really hard. The nitty-gritty of certain topics is secondary to what people get — which is community.”

Most mothers bring their infants with them to the group, and they know they don’t have to worry about it if they didn’t have a chance to shower, or if their baby is screaming, or if they show up late because they just couldn’t get it together to get out of the house on time, Hamilton says.

“It was a nice place to let down your guard and feel heard,” says group member Elana Snyder, 36, an insurance broker from Seaford whose daughter, Harper, is now 15 months old. “You felt uplifted by the women.”

Each Fourth Trimester group hears from guest speakers on topics such as mental health and bodily changes postpartum, says Laura Siddons, co-owner of The Nesting Place, which offers the groups at its locations in Farmingdale, Merrick and Yaphank as well as virtually, with a group starting at least one of the locations every month. They get to share their concerns about issues including how baby affects the division of labor in their marriage or how isolated they might be feeling on maternity leave; they also share joys and milestones and ideas.

“They really get to build the relationship week after week,” Siddons says. “Sometimes it’s not advice, it’s just, ‘Me, too.’”

‘FIND YOUR TRIBE’

Olivia Whiteman of Northport, 34, who was also part of Amato's contingent of mothers, reached out to The Nesting Place when her baby, Cora, was less than 2 weeks old. “This was my first child, and I had a C-section. On day nine, I was really struggling with no sleep and very emotional with everything going on,” says Whiteman, who works in insurance. “I called the day before the group was supposed to start to ask if they could squeeze me in. This became my group therapy, my family. It was a place to really be honest with each other. Everybody always encourages you to find your tribe … nobody knows what you’re going through quite like people who are going through it at the same moment.”

Melissa Carbonette, 32, of Bayville, is a pediatric nurse practitioner, so she was skeptical that the group would be helpful to her because of her medical training. But the camaraderie she formed with Amato, Whiteman and the other women in the group has been invaluable, she says.

At the first meeting, when the women went around the circle to introduce themselves and tell their stories, everyone was in tears. “All of us cried that day, sharing intimate experiences with people who were strangers for the most part. Every week we got more and more comfortable,” Carbonette says.

After the six weeks was over, the group kept in touch, meeting for outings with their babies, for mom-only nights, and for each child’s first birthday party. “We talk all day every day,” says Kaitlyn Sanabria, 32, a hospital social worker from Farmingdale whose son, Cameron, is now 14 months old. That continued connection is not unusual for many of the groups that bond during their time together, Hamilton says.

A CELEBRATION

The women requested the celebration marking their yearlong journey together, and The Nesting Place hosted it in their Yaphank play area, Siddons says.

The mothers marveled at how much their children have grown, Amato says. "A lot of it was seeing how they are interacting now compared to the beginning when they were little potatoes lying in our laps," she says. 

The progress was especially clear when the mothers tried to reenact a photo they took at the end of the official Fourth Trimester course, when the babies were only a few months old and the moms could easily line them up in age order and snap a shot. When they tried to recreate the image at the reunion, it was an entirely different story. "They were crawling away, running away, reaching for us," Amato says.

“It exceeded my expectations," Amato says of the whole group experience. "I would recommend that any mom find a support group, whether at the Nesting Place or elsewhere. Find other mothers and lean on them because you’re going to need it.”

By Beth Whitehouse

Special to NewsdayBethWhitehouse1

Beth Whitehouse writes about families, parenting and great things to do with the kids on Long Island. She’s been a Newsday editor and shared a 1997 Newsday staff Pulitzer Prize for coverage of the crash of TWA Flight 800.