Handing over the keys: How to help a loved one cope
Turning over the car keys would disrupt any adult's life and independence. Don't downplay it. Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto
When drivers reach the point where they’re no longer able to safely operate a motor vehicle, the license can become a source of struggle — a situation in which others underestimate just how much a driver’s license can mean.
“The only thing we have that connects us to the outside world is the car in many situations,” said Phyllis Wright, an adult gerontology nurse practitioner and associate professor at Emory University.
“So much is attached to the autonomy granted by an automobile. Older people don’t want to be a burden to their kids." And public transportation can seem inadequate and difficult to access.
If you’re the one in a position of convincing a loved one that it’s time to stop driving, you may be contending with grief and a seemingly unreasonable resistance.
“It’s going to be a loss,” Wright said. “But there are ways to make it so that loss is not so overwhelming.”
Here are tips from Wright and others on making the transition with the least stress.
Don’t make it about age. “The biggest mistake I see is when people make it about the person’s age,” former psychotherapist Jennifer FitzPatrick said. “There are 95-year-olds who are great drivers and 55-year-olds who can’t drive, and reaching a certain age doesn’t somehow make a person automatically negligent or incompetent,” said FitzPatrick, who is the author of “Cruising Through Caregiving.”
Talk to yourself first.
The process of beginning a conversation will be easier if you mentally prepare, FitzPatrick said. Acknowledge that the change will be painful, and emphasize that you are trying to protect them, as well as other people on the road. To avoid approaching the interaction emotionally, have specific examples of driving problems in mind, and stick to those facts, she suggested.
Factor in optimism. People who age well and keep going tend to be “forward thinking and hoping for a better tomorrow,” Wright said. “That attitude helps keep you going, along with gratitude and activity. But it also may give an older driver an unrealistic view of their ability to continue driving without mishap.”
Come up with a plan before the need arises. Work with your loved one to define what activities they most cherish and then figure out ways to allow them to continue them, Wright said. You might be able to help them tap into community transit or other transportation options, including ride-share services such as Uber or Lyft. “Be sure to learn what’s out there and how you could employ those options ahead of broaching the subject,” she said.
Get health care providers involved. This strategy can help put the surrendering of a driver’s license on the same footing as other health developments, according to Wright.
A 2016 Consumer Reports survey of 4,543 drivers age 65 and older showed you can’t rely on older drivers to police themselves. Of the drivers surveyed, 9% said they’re not likely to stop driving if they sensed they were endangering themselves or others. And 16% said they’re unlikely to hang up their keys even after “having too many accidents or close calls.”
A trusted doctor’s judgment, though, could persuade 56% of the respondents to stop driving.
Use the grandkid test. One clear indicator that the license should be shelved is when other people are uncomfortable riding with the driver in question — or uncomfortable allowing their kids to do so, experts say. If you’re not comfortable, “this is a clear indicator of peril, and it is time to retire from driving, not just for the sake of the driver’s grandchildren but for all the other kids on the road,” one said.
Follow through. Just because a person has surrendered their license and canceled their car insurance doesn’t mean they won’t get behind the wheel, said Mitzi DeBusk, a registered nurse and remote consultant for a national home health organization. So keep an eye on the situation and, if necessary, take steps to make the car inaccessible.
Commit to the long hall. Avoid the tendency to downplay the severity of this situation. “There is a grieving process with this major life change,” Minneapolis certified driver rehabilitation specialist Kathy Woods told Consumer Reports. “Some accept the outcome more quickly, while others struggle longer.”
Whether it’s your mate with whom you share a household or a faraway parent or sibling, remember that becoming a nondriver is a process, not a single action, according to Wright.
“It’s time-consuming to do it right, but time is the most valuable thing we can offer our loved ones. You need to start slowly, drop hints, [and] prepare before something life-threatening occurs,” she said. “Do that, and you have a partnership.”
