Lasting friendships are the best kind

Winter, spring, summer or fall,
All you've got to do is call.
And I'll be there. . . .
-- "You've Got a Friend," Carole King, 1971

Whenever I check my e-mail, I'm struck by how many people are searching for "friends" these days. People I've known for 20 years (or 20 minutes) want to "friend" me on Facebook.

Business associates want to connect to me on LinkedIn or Plaxo. And while I'm not on Twitter, I'm amazed at how many people make a point of inviting me to become their "follower."

But despite all the tweetin' and hollerin' and shout-outs across the social media sites of the World Wide Web, I sense that for many of us, strong, enduring friendships are hard to find. Part of the reason is the kinetic pace we've built into our lifestyles.

Ascending to adulthood, we find ourselves in a multi-decade whirlwind: raising families; juggling work and school concerts; remodeling homes or moving to new ones, planning summer vacations or coping with unplanned career shifts.

"We're in the 'zoom zone,' " says Abigail Trafford, a well-known syndicated columnist and author who focuses on the changing health and social issues of adults ages 50 and older.

But as the zoom zone zooms by, families are inevitably changed by kids growing up, divorces, moves, retirements or untimely deaths. "A lot of people become single as they get older," says Trafford. "Scientific research shows that those who have connections to others flourish, but we don't pay enough attention to friendship."

In some cases, we may overlook the value of friendships because of "an idealized view of what is provided by family," says Andrea Gould, a Syosset-based psychologist who specializes in managing change.

"There's a big gap between the real and ideal, like sharing Christmas under the tree. What about people who've lost their family or never had children? What do they do to sustain themselves at times when they're most vulnerable?"

Indeed, even as politicians of every stripe are trying to stake a claim to the "family values" agenda, we seem to forget that while "blood may be thicker than water," it can also "clot."

That is, in the course of long and complicated lives, we're often cut off from the life blood of families - without adequate support systems to take their place.

Of course, we can cite lots of individual examples of special friendships that help sustain us. Earlier this year, I had dinner with Lou Theodore of East Williston and Danny Doyle of North Merrick, two old friends who spent much of their late teens and early 20s playing for an amateur basketball team sponsored by a neighborhood tavern in Astoria called Killeen's.

Five years ago, I had written an Act2 story about the team, a group of about 75 former New York City kids who were celebrating the team's 50th anniversary. The group meets once or twice a year (some travel from other states), and recently, they marked their 55th year at Theodore's house. "It was bigger than ever," Theodore said.

Theodore and Doyle's lives have taken decidedly different courses: The professorial Theodore taught chemical engineering at Manhattan College; the colorful Doyle, who played briefly for the Detroit Pistons, has had a string of jobs, including a current stint as a private chauffeur.

But while having dinner with the two friends, I could see that they continue to weave the raucous repartee of their youth into the quotidian concerns of growing older. "We still make our own fun," Doyle told me, "no matter where we go."

Still, I think such friendships remain rare -- even though many experts say they become more critical to our well being as we age. "If you want to have a long, good life, keep your friends," says Trafford, the author of several books, including "As Time Goes By: Boomerang Marriages, Serial Spouses, Throwback Couples and Other Romantic Adventures in an Age of Longevity."

Trafford points to what she calls the "intimate circle": eight to 10 close friends, whom you can't imagine living without. "The intimate circle becomes a buffer against isolation," she says. "It's not a value-added [component]; it's an essential ingredient to life."

Most observers agree that a key to a long-lasting friendship is maintaining a "no-fault" relationship. "It allows you to be absolutely who you are," Gould says. "It's nonjudgmental. It's not a love of possession."

In fact, one of the great opportunities of moving beyond our zoom-zone years, Trafford adds, is that we now have the time to enjoy deep connections.

"I see a lot of going back to cement relationships" people had earlier in life, she says. "We get better at relationships as we get older. In the second part of life, we can look forward to feeling connected."

Inevitably, one fear of keeping close friends is losing them. Last fall, Gould struggled when a longtime friend died of cancer. "We were like sisters, we spoke almost every day," she recalled.

Gould and several other close friends decided to donate a bench in her memory at the Planting Fields Arboretum in Oyster Bay. "We created a beautiful place where we could gather, and together we can keep her alive."