Breitkopf's wife struggles, forges ahead

For Paula Breitkopf, the void in her life since her husband, Nassau police Officer Geoffrey J. Breitkopf, was shot dead by a fellow cop last year never goes away.

"It's just hard. Geoff was always the person I turned to," said Paula, 41. "I shared everything with him. I told him everything. There are things that you'd like to share with people, but no matter how close you are, you can't. I spent half of my life with him."

Tuesday, just hours after the Nassau district attorney released a report on the shooting of her husband, Paula Breitkopf stood in the kitchen of her Selden home recalling how drastically that tragedy has changed her life. On her left wrist, she wore a black rubber bracelet engraved with her husband's name that his fellow officers in the department's elite Bureau of Special Operations made in his memory.

"Stressful," she said as she scurried around the kitchen in a pink sweatshirt and jeans while preparing popcorn chicken, mac and cheese, and carrots for her two sons, Owen, 4 and Connor, 7.

"This is a new thing for me," she said as she served dinner. "It's not gourmet, but we're working on it."

Feels void left by husband

Breitkopf did all the cooking, she said. His specialties were ziti, lasagna and chili -- and he took care of everything around the house. He was Mr. Fixit, the chauffeur and the one who loved to take the boys crabbing and fishing.

He laid the wood floors throughout the house, which she called a handyman's special, and redid the electrical wiring and installed ceiling lights in the living room after going to Home Depot and picking up a how-to book.

"For the first month, I thought the house would burn down," she said, chuckling.

Early in their relationship, she dabbled in several jobs -- bank teller, accounting and medical billing -- but she always knew what she wanted to do. "I didn't have one field because I always said I was going to be a stay-at-home mom," she said.

She and Breitkopf met 23 years ago when she was 18 and they were students at Suffolk County Community College. They married in 2002.

"We dated longer than most people stay married. We already had a house and everything else and people were in a rush for us to get married, but it worked for us.

"Geoff wanted to make sure everything was right before we got married. He wanted to make sure that he had the job that he wanted and that we had a house. . . . He wasn't going anywhere. He knew I wasn't going anywhere, so we weren't in a rush," she said.

The past year has been trying, but she said she has learned a lot about herself.

"I guess I'm stronger than I thought I was," said Breitkopf, a petite brunette. "Like when I have to put things together. I will get it together eventually. He always jumped in. I was at first annoyed with myself and then I got determined."

She said she browsed through the DA's report about her husband's shooting, but she wouldn't discuss it. The report found that no charges should be brought against the MTA police officer who shot Breitkopf, a 14-year-veteran, in the chest when he approached the scene of an earlier fatal shooting in Massapequa Park on March 12. The report said the other officer "reasonably" believed that Breitkopf -- in plainclothes, carrying a department-issued assault rifle and not displaying his shield -- posed a threat at a chaotic crime scene.

Prefers to stay busy

After her husband's death, visits and calls to the home by her husband's colleagues were plentiful, but recently they've become less frequent.

Milestones -- especially their wedding anniversary on June 2, her husband's birthday on Aug. 2, and Christmas -- have also been difficult, she said. "People avoided me on his birthday. They were extra quiet," she said. "It was weird. I'd prefer people to be around than to be alone and have a pity party."

Despite trouble sleeping, Breitkopf said she prefers to keep busy. She said she has taken over carpooling her sons to their activities. Owen goes to two preschools and plays soccer. Connor, a second-grader, takes karate, is a Boy Scout, and attends religion classes in preparation for his first Communion in May. He also bowls and is trying out for the lacrosse team.

She's planning on finding work in September when Owen starts full-day kindergarten. "I just want to go back and be around adults and feel like I'm part of the world, you know, again. Not that you are not as a mom, but you know it's totally different. For myself, get my own paycheck again. I'm going to try. We'll see what happens come September. My goal is just to get out and do something, even if it's working right up the block at a convenience store."

Even with a hectic schedule, Breitkopf makes it a point to visit her husband's grave at Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Coram once a week.

"Sometimes I bring stuff. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just come for a few minutes and then sometimes I take longer. It depends what kind of mood I'm in. Sometimes if I'm in a sad mood, I just sit there for a while. And you know, sometimes I talk to him, sometimes I don't. It all depends on the day."