'Clicking' to find love gaining favor

In the beginning - way back in the 1990s - looking for love via the Internet was something many daters kept secret.

Online dating was decried by many as a step down from blind dating, rife with risks and the rewards uncertain.

But increasingly, Long Island couples are unashamed to announce that they met online. Attitudes have changed to keep pace with technological innovations, from supersmart phones to popular social media.

Indeed, we may have entered the golden age of "idating," as it's known to industry insiders.

Seven thousand adults married within the past five years, according to a recent survey commissioned by Match.com. It found that one in six marriages are now between people who met through online dating - and that such sites are now the third most common way couples meet, after work/school and family/ friends.

Long Island therapists and other observers of the social culture believe that whatever stigma may have been attached to meeting online has been relegated to history.

"Even as recently as five years ago people might have called online daters desperate," said Madeline Seifer, director of the marriage and family therapy clinic at Hofstra University's Saltzman Community Services Center in Hempstead.

But those attitudes have changed as more and more people have formed lasting relationships that began online, she said.

Option to bar hopping

"Online dating is cheaper than hanging out at a bar," Seifer said, "and now more baby boomers than ever are using sites like Match.com and eHarmony. Online dating is the new way to go."

For young adults there was never a stigma.

"Younger generations have grown up with the Internet, and online dating in particular was never stigmatized among the younger set," said Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research and development at eHarmony headquarters in Pasadena, Calif.

At 34, Tony Derosso is old enough to remember the stigma. Derosso, who grew up in Great Neck, now lives in Hunters Point, Queens, and owns a dating advice website, onlinedatingmatches.com. He said he has dated several women he met online.

"Honestly, guys from 25 to 35 have a tough time talking to women. I know I did," he said, adding that people who aren't into bars or clubs must try to capitalize on chance meetings - and online dating is attractive because "the odds of successful chance meetings aren't in your favor."

Massapequa resident Eric Giuliani said he was never really comfortable meeting people in a bar setting. His wife, Corinne, said she initially thought online dating was a joke.

But without Match.com, they might never have met - even though both were living in Levittown.

"We shopped in the same grocery store," said Eric, "but we met online."

They exchanged a few e-mails before agreeing to meet at a Starbucks in July 2005. "After the first date we clicked very quickly," Corinne said.

Still, they couldn't overcome embarrassment that they had met online and were hesitant to tell friends.

"I didn't want to tell anyone I met Eric on Match," she said, "and Eric told people at first he met me at Starbucks."

Now they're believers: They married in March 2008 and had a baby earlier this year. "Match is great - I tell everyone I know to give it a try," said Corinne. Eventually, she said, even her priest told her he thought online dating was a good way to meet people.

Match.com is 15 years old this year, and chief executive Greg Blatt said that "now it's the exception not to be looking for a mate online."

"It works," he said of online dating. "Relationships start, and people get married."

Overcoming skepticism

Dating consultant and matchmaker Maureen Tara Nelson of Levittown, whose office is in Melville, said online sites have gained favor as they've moved beyond random personal ads to include matching services. "If you're serious and commitment-minded, you're not going to bars," she said.

Fabienne Jeane-Jacques, 26, of Huntington Station said she was initially skeptical but was persuaded by a co-worker to give online dating a try.

"My co-worker said, 'You're a beautiful girl, you never know, try your luck,' " she recalled.

She did and in 2008 met Paul Schnurr via Match.com.

"We often joke about how it took the both of us to move to America and then find each other on the Internet," said Jeane-Jacques, who moved here from Haiti more than 18 years ago. Schnurr, 31, moved to the United States from Germany about 21/2 years ago.

"Yes, it was quite the coincidence that we both came from different countries only to meet online in the U.S.," said Schnurr, who works as a sales manager for an environmental company in Holbrook.

A concept that resonates

Their first date was at The Cheesecake Factory at Smith Haven Mall, and Jeane-Jacques, who works as a study coordinator at Winthrop University Hospital in Mineola, said the two have been "inseparable ever since." The couple became engaged last December and plan to marry in April.

"The idea that people who meet online are losers is definitely passé," said Manhattan psychotherapist Michael Batshaw, who cited the pros of online dating: convenience and a good return on time invested.

"People are very busy today, and the concept seems to resonate with daters of all ages," he said.

And some of the barriers that can interfere in the traditional dating arena - the anxiety of the social situation, whether a bar, club, party or tag-along friends - are less of an issue, he said.

As for the cons: Some users of online dating sites, both men and women, have reported encountering phony or outdated pictures and exaggerated or patently false representations of weight, height and age.

"Why does someone say they're 35 when they're really 45 or say they like working out when they are grossly overweight," complained a Long Island participant at the free online dating site plenty offish.com. The site, which now averages nearly 1.5 million log-ins per day, was the No. 1 dating site on Long Island as recently as August, according to the online market research service Experian Hitwise.

There are also other, less well publicized downsides, said Dr. Dennis Lin, a sex therapist at Beth Israel Hospital in Manhattan.

"Some people start losing real-life social skills when they rely too much on online dating," he said. "And, for people with social phobias, the Internet is a perfect rescue. People can go online as a way to hide - and avoid reality."

Still, he adds: "The positives of online dating far outweigh the negatives. It's always better to cast the widest possible net when you're looking to meet new people."