Asking the Clergy: Helping someone who keeps presenting the same problem

When a congregant seeks a spiritual leader’s advice in dealing with life’s challenges, some make little progress despite repeated counseling. This week’s clergy discuss how they proceed when a person needs more help than a spiritual community can provide. 

The Rev. Maria Hughes

Spiritual leader, Center for Spiritual Living, Hicksville

This is an issue every minister is confronted with. Most people ask to see their minister when they are going through a troubling time, whether it is illness, money or family problems, addiction, the loss of a loved one or dealing with someone who has anger issues.

And there often comes a time when the minister is called upon by the same person, with the same problems, constantly without end. It is then you realize that no matter how much time you spend counseling the person, their story never changes. It seems they would rather sit and talk about it than correct it — or let it go.

Then it is time for the minister to change the situation. Remind the person that in every circumstance, God is in charge. Then arrange to see them on a schedule with a final meeting to remind them that all is well in the situation. Our teaching at the Center for Spiritual Living is that people have the power of God, which is for all goodness.

I close with a quote from Norman Vincent Peale: “If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.”

Rabbi Art Vernon

Congregation Shaaray Shalom, West Hempstead

Whenever someone chooses to come to me with a problem, I want to be as helpful as possible. But I also know that I am not a trained therapist, and some issues are beyond my capability.

In the case of someone who continues to have the same problem, I would try to refer the individual to a professional therapist. I would expect some resistance, because this problem probably feels like an old coat; it is comfortable but needs to be changed.

I also would assure the individual that God does not want them to feel so burdened. I might pray with them for guidance from God and a release from their suffering. I would also follow up in a couple of weeks to find out if they contacted the therapist, and if so, how they were feeling about the situation now. Once they are seeing a therapist, I would remind them that I am available if they want to talk with me. But I would not place myself between the individual and their therapist.

The Rev. Dwight Lee Wolter

Pastor, Congregational Church of Patchogue

Everybody has the same problem that they keep trying to solve. It is called the human condition. Sometimes problems are not problems at all. I assist individuals, the congregation and the community to reframe problems as opportunities for change and portals of spiritual transformation that await those able and willing to embrace the journey.

Most problems don’t have instant cures. They require time and timing. Some people have chronic problems with situations like discrimination, prejudice, injustice and abuse and exploitation of authority. In these instances, I help them to stop blaming themselves for a system or situation that thrives on them thinking that they themselves are the problem. I help them to pin the tail on the donkey. Other people have a chronic problem that appears to have underlying conditions, such as addiction or mental illness. In those instances, I refer them to professionals with experience in those areas.

A pastor is not all things for all people. Referrals are a sign of strength. People rarely recover from problems all by themselves, including me. I try to help people access a community of healing. Our church is such a place.