God Squad: How to talk to a mourner

I practice my faith and know that our Lord will see us all through this time. However, I have found that people have a hard time understanding my loss. Some close family members have asked (a few months after his death) what I was doing for "fun" while others don't understand how I can use the room he died in. I'm lucky that I have a sense of humor, and to the latter remark replied that as it's our only shower I'd be awfully smelly if I couldn't use it.

I've been asked (at the wake, mind you) do I plan on moving? What do I want to do now? Many sentences begin with the dreaded six words: I know what you should do. (Ugh.) Oh, and somehow it's been determined I can no longer drive myself but need to carpool if I should go out. REALLY?

To me, the fact that I am not lying in the fetal position, but I get up, dress and go out somewhere every day, even if it's to my backyard to garden, is healthy. Our children and grandchildren are my joy, and we see each other regularly and my husband is often in our conversations. I feel that I will find my way in my own time. I know that this currently intense grief will lessen but will never go away as I will miss my husband until my dying day when we will be reunited (hopefully in heaven). I just wish some people would be more sensitive and stop telling me what I should do!  Thanks, Rabbi Gelman, for listening! — Anonymous

You have learned that doing anything is better than doing nothing. The things you do help you feel less like a victim and more like a broken human being. You might want to try doing things to serve others in need. Local food pantries and soup kitchens are always looking for volunteers, and helping others may be exactly the help you need for yourself.

You have learned to laugh. Laughter reminds you that death cancels life but it does not have to cancel joy. I have been fascinated to learn that after about a year, many mourners return to the set point level of happiness they had before the death of their loved one. If they were happy before, they become happy after.  If they were cynical and despairing before, they will be cynical and despairing after. My guess is that you were happy and grateful before your husband's death and there is every reason to believe that you will be that person again very soon.

You have also learned that Heaven is our best and only source of real hope in the face of death. You can bear any burden and wipe away any tear once you realize that because of God's love you will not be separated forever from those you love.

May God comfort you among all the mourners.

Oh, and one more thing: "I know what you should do!"