God Squad: Still more on coping with grief

This week, I share more letters about grief.

From J: For six months, my daughter fostered a baby from parents with drug issues. It looked like his parents didn't want him, so my daughter started talking like maybe she would adopt him when it was possible. We all loved him, and he was a sweetie. Then after six months, crib death. It's been 11 months, and my daughter posts on Facebook every day about it. Whether my daughter is looking for attention or sorrow, or something snapped in her brain, she is at an embarrassing stage.

As it turns out, we don't speak because of other issues. But grief isn't always the way you picture it, and dying from old age is also loss, but it's life's cycle; of course, we miss the person and there is a void, but they had a long and happy life. There are many ways and ages people die, and when it's a baby or child, that is hurt and a hole in one's heart. But life goes on and you still must be responsible for other children or adults. You can't wallow in sorrow because this then turns into an issue, and a person needs tough love, help and a kick in the pants.

MG: May God comfort your daughter and you and your family on your heartbreaking loss. I understand your point of view, that people need to understand that life is often tough and unfair, and that they sometimes seem to need a kick in the pants, to suck it up and get on with life. However, I am not a fan of spiritual confrontation. I believe that love, companionship and tender, patient understanding are more productive than tough love, which to me is a contradiction. Love is gentle not tough. One of the most important lessons of love to the mourning is that Heaven is real and death is not the end of our spiritual journey. Your grandchild is being sheltered now and forever under the wings of God's protecting care. That is a saving belief and for me, at least, it is also true.

From R: I am not a religious person, but I believe in God and Jesus. I read your column every Sunday in Newsday. My question is 'Why do so many bad things happen to nice people?' I once heard a song by Billy Joel, "Only the Good Die Young." I take it as young, meaning the good ones. I'm 82, married for 55 years to the love of my life and had two children, a son and daughter. My son was wild for a spell in his early teen years but turned out to be a beautiful son and person. He is 50. My daughter, 46, was a beautiful person and very smart. But she started using drugs at an early age, and no matter how much we tried to help her, nothing seemed to work. The drugs destroyed her good looks and health. She died recently. Now here is my point. All people are good, it's just that they chose the wrong path. Why doesn't God step in and help people in trouble? That would be like an answer to our prayers.

MG: I love Billy Joel's music, but it is better music than theology. It is manifestly not true that only the good die young. Some good people die young; some live long blessed lives. The issue comes down: Is a world where bad choices and bad luck can lead to premature death better than a world where God steps in and saves us from bad choices and danger?

A world of free choice backed up by a loving God who will receive our souls after death is far better than a world where we sit back and wait for God to write the script of our lives. We were meant to "choose life" not to have life imposed on our recalcitrant souls. In a world where God is just a more powerful Superman, we are just observers on planet Earth instead of growing, learning and acting as God's partners in a broken world.