Gun violence survivors: Long Island clergy discuss counseling a loved one after a death

About one in five American adults say a family member was killed by a gun (including death by suicide), according to a new national survey by the public opinion research firm KFF. For Black Americans, the survey found that one in three adults have had a family member killed by a gun. This week’s clergy discuss how they provide for survivors’ spiritual, emotional and material needs after such a tragedy.

Rizwan Alladin

President, the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community of Long Island, Amityville

Losing a loved one is no doubt one of life's most feared, yet inevitable, moments. And as it is common to the human experience, Islam requires its adherents to show sympathy for and give counsel to the aggrieved. 

The Holy Prophet Muhammad taught us to recite the following verse of the Holy Quran: “To Allah we belong, and to Him shall we return” (2:156) as the initial step in counseling the bereaved. It's a reminder of the transience of our earthly existence, the inevitability of our reunion with our creator, and the reality of a hereafter.

Now, we cannot minimize the sudden shock a loved one would feel in this particular case of a gun-related death. But as Muslims, we are comforted in knowing that the innocent will not be wronged in heaven (3:25), and those who died while fighting injustice will be exalted to the high status of martyrdom (3:169).

And what about those of us who have to remain behind? Allah tries who He pleases, but never places a burden upon us beyond our capacity (2:286). It is through our perseverance and ardent prayers (2:153) that we will find our reward and be reunited with our loved one in the afterlife (52:21).

The Rev. Barbara Whitlow

Pastor, Hauppauge United Methodist Church and First United Methodist Church of Central Islip

As gun violence increases, hundreds of people are left on their own to grapple with the long-term effects of trauma including spiritual, behavioral and emotional issues. Christian counseling must affirm that victims are not to blame for the trauma of their experiences, and it must make clear that evil events are the result of sin that exists in the fallen world. Scripture can help victims find reassurance and hope as they continue on the path to recovery.

Zechariah 7:9 affirms that true justice for people is showing mercy, compassion and loving devotion to those who are harmed. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 we are reminded that God is the source of all comfort for any who are troubled. God equips and sends out both divine and human comforters to assist weary souls. The 23rd Psalm assures us that God is with us even in the midst of life-altering events. Great hope is found in knowing that as Christ triumphed over death and destruction, we can also do so by faith. In counseling survivors of gun violence, I practice a ministry of presence, equipping families with strength, ensuring that their basic needs continue to be met, and listening to their fears without judgment.

The Rev. Karen Gigante

Staff Minister, The Center for Spiritual Living, Hicksville

Every life matters and is sacred. When counseling someone who is grieving, it's best just to let them cry and tell the story of their loss without offering any opinions. There are no right or wrong feelings regarding a loss, especially a sudden, unexpected one. Grief is grief, and it is important to acknowledge that something fundamental has changed with this passing.

As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler wrote in their book, “On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (Scribner 2014): "You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same.”

Time does not heal all wounds. The power of God, however, is greater than death. Our relationships are not severed at death, but refocused beyond the physical connection. Life is eternal, and through the grace of God our loved ones live forever, in God's mind and in ours.

“In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began.” (Titus 1:2)