Asking the Clergy: How do we make friends with our enemies?

In a world rife with divisive and distrustful public discourse, how can it be possible — as some faiths suggest — to love our enemies, ask God to bless them or offer to parley with them to resolve differences? This week’s clergy discuss paths to reconciliation with those who insult, persecute or vocally disagree with us.

Nitin Ajmera of Plainview

Chair, board of trustees, Parliament of the World’s Religions

Jainism strongly urges us not to believe that we have enemies. We believe an enemy is nothing but a person who does not share our perspective. Our opinions and viewpoints are different, and sometimes extremely different, leading us to wish or even cause harm to each other — physically, in the worst cases. In such situations, Jainism strongly urges us to sit down, have open discussions with our perceived enemy, and attempt to bring clarity to the situation.

If our disagreement is not resolved by conversation, we should end the conversation by agreeing to disagree. Another reason we perceive others as an enemy is that they have knowingly or unknowingly harmed us by their actions or speech. In many instances, we don’t confront the individual who we believe has harmed us. Instead, we make assumptions about their point of view, leading to more misunderstanding and further argument.

When this occurs, it is very important to help the other person understand that their behavior or speech is causing harm. Many times, people will understand, and either eliminate or reduce the intensity of their rhetoric or actions. In both cases, enemies may turn into acquaintances and even good friends.

The Rev. Lawrence Duncklee

Pastor, St. John the Evangelist Roman Catholic Church, Riverhead

Both Scripture and experience reveal this that: "When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him." (Proverbs 16:7)

If I strive to be a person of prayer, one at peace with God, then my presence radiates peace and makes it difficult for one to be angry at me. As a child, I discovered that if I replied to insults, "Thank you very much, have a great day" the situation de-escalated. Jesus said "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28).

My mother’s favorite quote was the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." My father never cursed at anyone. Great examples taught me that it is possible to lead others into friendship and avoid anger or fights. We are not in a competition; therefore, it cost me nothing to say "I am sorry" or to walk away from insults or a perceived hurt. A life rooted in prayer and peace and love promotes unity.

The Rev. Vicky L. Eastland

Pastor, Brookville Reformed Church

The Bible says, "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you …" (Matthew 43-44).

Loving my neighbor is hard enough, but God wants me to love my enemies? Come on, God, really? I was at a church conference a few years ago and confided in a fellow clergywoman that I was having a really hard time loving a particular person who was actively persecuting me and that I didn’t know how to pray for this person.

I will never forget what she told me. She suggested that I pray for "my enemy" in a way I would want someone to pray for me, to ask for the same blessings I hope to receive in my own life. My whole attitude for this person changed. As I prayed for peace and fulfillment, healing and wholeness, I began to have compassion and empathy.

Now I understand what the Bible was saying when it tells us to pray for those who persecute you. When we do, it is our own perspective that changes, not the other person.