Film spurs debate on pressure for good grades

A preschooler shouldn't worry about his academic portfolio.

A Harvard acceptance letter shouldn't define a young woman's worth.

And students shouldn't feel so pressed for time that they cheat just to get by.

These are among the messages of the 2010 documentary "Race to Nowhere," which focuses on the lives of children from across the country - including students at The Wheatley School in Old Westbury - who nearly break under the weight of academic expectations.

The movie - a small, independent film gaining traction through word-of-mouth - was shot by California mother Vicki Abeles, whose young daughter suffered from severe stress because she was struggling with school.

More than 250 parents and teachers watched the film at the Harbor Country Day School in St. James on Thursday as students opened up on-screen about anorexia, sleeplessness, depression and prescription drug abuse.

The film was followed - as has been the case at other screenings - by a panel discussion.

Parents and teachers said they want to lessen students' stress, but aren't sure how. They worry about kids falling behind and becoming less competitive at college admissions time.

Jim Herrnstein, 46, of St. James, said his preschool children are too young to experience test-taking anxiety, but he worries about their future.

"I think everybody hears about the grind that goes on," he said. "You have to wonder if we're all on the right track."

Dawn Okst, a mother of three from Port Jefferson, said she and her family set their own goals for success, though she admits they're bombarded by other people's values.

"You have to decide what is important to your family," she said.

Okst tries to combat school stress by talking to her children - ages 13, 10 and 7 - at dinner and again at bedtime, inviting them to open up about their worries.

Perhaps one of the most difficult ideas for her to impart to her children is that they don't have to be perfect.

"A 'B' is not a failure," she said.

Anita Durney, 48, of East Patchogue, said she's tried to alleviate the stress on her high-schooler by telling him it's OK to start out at community college.

"I took the pressure of college right off the table," she said.

Misha Monticciolo, 40 and a mother of three from Coram, sends her children to Harbor Country. The price is steep, but she values the way her children can progress at their own pace.

Monticciolo knows classrooms well; she quit a high-paying job to become a teacher. She said the pressures in America's public schools - particularly with standardized testing - are hard to combat.