A battle over who gets called "Grandma"

DEAR AMY: My former wife and I divorced more than 10 years ago. In that time, I have remarried and my daughter has married and started her own family. My current wife would like to be called "Grandma" by my new grandchild, but my daughter is adamant that this will not happen. I don't care about this, personally, but the problem is becoming disruptive (my wife's feelings are hurt and my daughter feels just as uncomfortable in the other direction). I thought calling the blood grandmothers "Grandma" and the step-grandmother "Grandma Karen" would solve it, but apparently not. I think it is my daughter who is wrong on this one, but it is her baby and her call, so I've asked my wife to just accept it quietly. Any better solution?Perplexed in the Middle

DEAR PERPLEXED: You are being reasonable. But this tricky family issue is not going to respond to reason.

I notice a clue to the deeper issue in your letter. As long as your family thinks of people as "blood grandmothers" and "step-grandmothers," you're going to have a problem.

Ideally, your daughter would look at the big picture: More "Grandmas" means more loving hugs, more butterscotch candies proffered from the bottom of a giant purse and more, more, more of everything good.

Ideally, your wife would assume an attitude of, "You can call me anything you want; just don't call me late for the ballet recital." I assume your family is working this out the way most families do -- indirectly and through the path of least resistance: you.

I'm sure you're doing your best to be helpful by negotiating with each woman in turn, but at this point you might as well try to tackle this issue head-on.

Invite your daughter over. Ask the women to discuss this and offer to hold the baby while they do. If your daughter continues to be inflexible, then, yes, your wife should suggest an alternate nickname that is special to her and tolerate it.