A wedding invitation and a long-buried secret

DEAR AMY: I am a 33-year-old woman who has kept a secret since junior high school. A relative who is a few years older than me, "Steve," did some sexually inappropriate things to me. I'd rather not get into detail, but it was very inappropriate and made me quite uncomfortable. I never told anyone about this encounter. Our parents were close and I never wanted to cause any hardship. It has not mattered before because we would see that part of the family so infrequently that I was able to avoid him.I have mostly forgotten about the incident except for occasional flashbacks that I quickly repress. I attended the weddings of Steve's brothers, but managed to avoid Steve. We were recently sent a "save the date" announcement for Steve's wedding. I have no desire to celebrate him in any way. My mother has not responded well to my initial attempts to tell her that I do not want to attend. I don't think any excuse (except the truth) will get me out of this. I don't want to tell the truth now because our mothers are very close. How do I get out of this wedding without upsetting my mother and without revealing this secret?

--Worried

DEAR WORRIED: You can always find a good reason for not revealing the truth - to protect your mother's relationships, for instance.

Shedding light on this secret might be the best thing for you, and I could imagine that your mother would want to know (most loyal mothers would).

Get used to the idea that your mother is going to be upset, regardless of what you do.

You could hedge by saying, "Mom, I really don't like Steve. I haven't liked him since we were kids. I don't want to go to his wedding. I know you'll have a good time but I'm going to do something else that weekend. I'll RSVP. You don't have to make any excuses for me - I'll handle it." That might be enough of an explanation for your mother, but you should ask yourself if this is really right for you.