Aging parents won't pay for needed help

DEAR AMY: My parents are in their mid-80s and both have had major health issues. They absolutely refuse to consider moving to an apartment/condo, even though their large, two-story home (and yard with flower and vegetable gardens) is too much for them. They are relying heavily on their children and grandchildren to help out. They seem to forget that we have families, jobs and homes of our own. They call frequently for help. There have been times when none of us is available, and when we suggest that they call a repair person, they tell us that would be too expensive. Trust me, they can afford it. The vegetable garden is far bigger than what they need. The staircase is steep, and they are both unsteady. This is a worry, but my parents refuse any paid help. We feel as if we are parents looking after stubborn children! Any ideas?

--Totally Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Roll up your sleeves, because at this stage in life there will be times when you have to put your folks at the top of your list. Accept it.

You and your siblings should figure out how to spread the duties among you.

You also must start to draw boundaries so you can pace yourselves and concentrate on the most essential tasks. If you can't do their gardening (or don't want to), you'll have to say so (though this sounds like a great job for a grandchild).

This is not one conversation, but a series of talks and decisions you'll all have to make as their situation changes.

Talk with your folks about their safety issues. Perhaps they can move to the ground floor of their home. You should install grab bars and railings where needed. If they need household help and say they can't afford it, offer to go over their finances with them.

Once you start to face some of these issues forthrightly, calmly and compassionately, your folks will feel more comfortable making some of these big decisions.