Are kindly clerks undermining this mom?

DEAR AMY: I try to teach my three young children basic manners in public, such as taking only one treat or toy when offered, not destroying the displays of trinkets at checkout counters and not running in stores. At the same time I am busy insisting that my kids behave well, when they misbehave, store employees (and even other customers) frequently will smile at my kids and say directly to them, "That's OK," or, "No problem - he's young," or, "It's OK; I'll clean this up." This makes me crazy! Real accidents sometimes do happen, but most of this behavior is not OK! This response ultimately confuses my child about what is acceptable and what is not, which makes my job as a parent harder. Sometimes other parents undermine me in this way, too. I am not an overly strict, controlling, mean or nasty parent! I just believe basic behavior rules are learned more easily when kids are young. The oldest child is already considered one of the better-behaved kids in her class. What can I say or do when this happens without making a big fuss? Frustrated Mom

DEAR MOM: Of all of the things to criticize shopkeepers, clerks and fellow shoppers for - being too kind to your children seems unnecessarily harsh.

It is not someone else's job to help you discipline your children. I understand that in your view these kindly, patient and indulgent people are undermining you, but that is your problem - not a fault of theirs in need of correction.

Your response to this should be fairly simple: When Jimmy accidentally knocks over a floor display because he's fumbling with its contents and a shopkeeper says, "That's OK - he's young, I'll clean it up," you can respond politely and correct your son by saying, "That is so nice of you to say, but Jimmy knows it isn't OK, because we have already talked about this." Then you can say, "Jimmy is going to apologize to you and then help pick up these trinkets."