Ask Amy: Anxieties of a two-time widower

DEAR AMY: My mother is my father's third wife. My father loves my mother very much, and we're quite comfortable with his discussing his earlier wives because we know he loved them very much and especially because he has two children with each. They visit frequently, and my mother and I get along with them very well. Both of my father's earlier wives died while vacationing with other family members, girlfriends, etc., and this has terrified my father into the belief that this will happen to my mother, too. He doesn't allow her to go on vacations without him. This is the only "controlling" thing he does.

My half-siblings and I have agreed that this is simply because he loves her and doesn't want to lose her the way he lost his first two wives. My mother recently went on a business trip without him. The entire time he was calling her every half-hour to make sure she was OK. My siblings and I tried to convince him that what happened with his first two wives was coincidence and would not happen to my mother, but he refuses to see this. We've considered paying for counseling, therapy or anything that might help him. Your advice?Worried Kids

DEAR WORRIED: Calling your mother every half-hour is excessive, to say the least. I can imagine the burden this places on her when she is on a business trip.

This is not an appropriate or effective way for your father to manage his anxiety.

I agree with you and your siblings that your father would benefit from therapy. A skilled counselor will listen to your father's story and provide assurances. He will be given actual tools and techniques for what to do when his anxiety surfaces.

If he can't afford it, then by all means, kick in to pay, but paying for therapy (if he can afford it) is a way for your father to demonstrate his commitment to the process. For therapy to work, his commitment is essential.