Ask Amy: Avoid ultimatums in dealing with troubled mother

DEAR AMY: I have been worried about my mother's mental health for some time. I love her dearly, but I (and others in my circle of family and friends) have suspected that something is wrong with her for many years. After much research and consulting with two therapists, we believe she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Because of this, she does not respond well to criticism and will not receive treatment. I am pregnant, and I want my mother to be part of my child's life, but with her unpredictable behavior, I am not certain I even want her to be around my child. My siblings and I see no alternative other than to cut her out of our lives until she agrees to seek help. Amy, we could use some advice on how to handle this situation. -- Concerned Daughter

DEAR CONCERNED: Diagnosing other people is a tricky business for untrained people like you (and me), and the problem with an ultimatum is that in order to work, it can have no wiggle room.

Bringing a child into the family fills a new parent with equal measures of hope and anxiety, but these two states don't allow for the grand

middle-ground of experience, where things are messy, complicated and changing.

If you were able to force your mother into treatment but the treatment didn't work, would you still want her in your life? If you were able to completely cut yourselves off from her, would you suffer or be relieved - or a measure of both? The best path might be one of understanding, clear boundaries and vigilance. Of course, you shouldn't tolerate abuse and you shouldn't expose your child to a person who may harm her (or you), but your mother might be tolerable in small, controlled doses.

I hope you are visiting therapists not just to confirm your hunch about your mother. It can't have been easy to grow up with this kind of parent; you should get professional help to sort it out.