Ask Amy: Call a halt to family trashing

DEAR AMY: My daughter-in-law is constantly telling me that I raised my son wrong. They have been together for 20 years and have two teenage children. My son has been the sole provider during this time.

She believes it is her place to stay home with the children.

I get to hear how my son does not do enough for her. She says I raised a thoughtless brat. There are variations on this theme, but it is something I hear over and over. I smile and tell her I did the best I could at the time. She smiles and lets me know I failed miserably.

It never fails to hurt and make me a little angry! I can't tell her to stop, because no matter how I word it, she will feel hurt and take it out on my son. I never mention that her children have police records and that they don't know how to make decisions because she decides everything for them. I love these kids, but they are not too bright, if you know what I mean. How do I tell her that no one is perfect? How do I let her know that after 20 years, maybe she has helped to make him the person he is now? -- No. 1 Worst Mother

DEAR NO. 1: There seems to be an abundance of hostility in your family. You are responding to your daughter-in-law's trashing of your son by trashing her kids.

The first thing you could do differently is to stop behaving badly yourself.

It should be obvious to both of you that your son is an adult and responsible for his own choices and shortcomings. The fact that the two women in his life are tussling over who is responsible for his behavior is an indication you don't seem to view him as a grown person capable of choice and change.

If you want your daughter-in-law to stop complaining, you could remind her of her role in his life by saying, "Honey, I had him for 18 years. You've had him for 20. You do the math - he's more your creation than mine."