Ask Amy: Don't flirt with disaster and co-worker

DEAR AMY: I am a mom of two children. Currently, I am with their father.

I recently started a new job. I get along great with everyone, but I am starting to have feelings for a co-worker who is married. He is having trouble with his relationship and always opens up to me about it. He flirts, but I'm not sure if he thinks there is something between us. What should I do in this situation?

-- Worked Out

DEAR WORKED OUT:

Describing yourself as “currently with” the father of your children tells me that you don't take relationships seriously. And now you've crossed paths with someone else who either doesn't take his relationship seriously or is looking for an out.

It is wrong to interfere in someone else's marriage. By interfering, I mean becoming emotionally intimate, escalating the flirtation and giving your romantic feelings free rein.

You do have some control over this. Obviously, you can choose to go with it -- accepting this man's intimacies and overtures. But you asked me what you should do -- and what you should do is make a choice that you will honor your own relationship and respect your co-worker's marriage.

DEAR AMY: I lost my wife of 10 years in October. She was a wonderful and caring partner, and I miss her terribly. Recently I have met another woman who is interested in getting to know me better. I want to keep seeing this woman, but at the same time I feel as if I'm “cheating” on my late wife. Half of my family tells me to go for it, while the other half is upset. My eldest daughter and mother think it's OK. My other grown children and some of my wife's family think I am dishonoring her memory by dating, as they put it, “too soon.” What is too soon? I am hurt by this. If this keeps up, I may just close myself off to everyone and become a hermit. Do you have any advice for me?

Worried Widower

DEAR WORRIED:

Don't solicit opinions about your private life from family members until you have something truly interesting to tell them. I can tell you from professional experience that if you ask people for their views, their perspectives will range across the spectrum.

The only rule you need to follow is the one that says that as a grown man, you are responsible for your own feelings and choices. You should test the waters by “dating.” Dating is a process of getting to know someone better. You do not sleep with the person, audition the person for family members or otherwise involve other people in the process.

If you still feel as if you are “cheating” (an understandable early reaction, by the way), then it might be too soon.