Ask Amy: My grandson gets away with everything

DEAR AMY: As a grandmother, I am concerned about my grandson's lack of discipline. The parents have opted for a "no-spank" approach to child discipline, which I support. However, what I see is essentially no discipline. This precious child rules the roost, and the parents pretty much let him get away with everything. They say things like, "That's not nice" and "You shouldn't do that," but I don't see any consequence for wrong behavior. I'm pretty sure a 3-year-old doesn't care whether something he does is "nice" or not. My husband and I have a hard time sitting and saying nothing in the midst of what is basically a child-run home. However, my husband tells me to "button it" or we'll damage what is, for now, a good relationship with our son and his wife. I love this tyrannical child and his parents. I value your advice.Wanting to Do Right

DEAR WANTING: Three-year-olds are famously challenging. If this child does something that affects you directly (knocks you with his toy hammer or calls you a "poopy head"), you say, "'Brandon,' I don't like that. That hurts me. Let's find something else for you to do that doesn't hurt anybody." Then you should redirect his attention by helping him find another activity.

You also should catch the child being "good," by praising pro-social behavior when he exhibits it.

Your assistance should be positive and helpful - not geared toward punishing the child or his parents.

If the parents are flummoxed, talk to them about how they might alter their parenting style by offering boundaries and swift, simple, certain and predictable consequences.

I admire the work of pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton.

Check out his book (co-written with Joshua D. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist): "Discipline: The Brazelton Way" (De Capo Press, 2003).