Ask Amy: She wants nothing to do with tormenting sister

DEAR AMY: I grew up in a small, conservative town. Though I wasn't "out" at the time, by high school it was pretty obvious I was a lesbian. I grew up and moved on and have a great life now. I live far away. My problem is my sister. She made my teen years a nightmare. She had her boyfriends beat me up, and her circle of "mean girls" made every day a nightmare. If anything, my parents saw me as the problem because I was such an unhappy kid as a result.

After I went to college, I cut all ties and have not seen or spoken to my sister in nearly a decade. To this day, my parents act as though I am making a big deal out of nothing. Every time I visit, they try to casually spring us on each other. I keep my bags in the car in case I have to make a hasty departure. They say I am cruel because I don't want to see her. I think it's my choice. She has never apologized for the way she treated me or made any indication she wants a relationship with me, either. Am I wrong to ask them to respect my choices on those I want in my life? -- Happily Estranged

DEAR ESTRANGED: Your parents have a lot to answer for. They raised an unrepentant, abusive bully and continue to try to force you to spend time with your tormentor. You could assume their current efforts are a way of trying to deny their own role in what happened to you.

As long as you continue to fear an encounter with your sister, I think leaving your bags in the car for a fast getaway is a good idea.

However, I'd also like to make a pitch for forgiveness.

You don't need to confront or have anything to do with your sister to forgive her. Doing so would lessen your emotional freight and permit you to take your metaphorical bags out of the car, turn the engine off and face the extreme limitations of your family members with courage and compassion.