Ask Amy: Young boyfriend not ready to be dad

DEAR AMY: I am a 23-year-old woman with a 4-year-old son.

I am engaged to a wonderful man. We have taken things slowly and finally moved in together about eight months ago, when he graduated from college. My fiance and my son were getting along great - playing together, wrestling around and telling each other they loved each other, but over the past few months, my fiance completely stopped playing with my him. He barely talks to my son and gets frustrated with him in seconds. It seems as if my son can't do anything right, and now when my fiance is not home my son tells me, "Tom is going to leave us because he hates me now." It hurts so much to know my son feels this way. I talked to my fiance about it, and he is serious about making things better. He says it's a big change for him. He just graduated last year from college, where he was partying a lot. What are some things I can do to make this transition easier for them? I'm at my wits' end trying to please everyone and getting no help in return.Hurting

DEAR HURTING: Moving your young son in with your boyfriend just as he graduates from college is not "taking things slowly," and therein lies the problem. The solution should not rest entirely with you.

It's obvious that your boyfriend is not ready to be a dad. His reaction to your son is troubling because he's conveying that your little boy is somehow responsible for the grown-up's behavior.

Your boyfriend can improve his parenting by taking a parenting class or joining a playgroup with other dads. An older father with a slightly older son could offer him some useful wisdom and mentoring.

If your fiance refuses or just can't find the time to take some concrete steps to improve his parenting, you must act in your son's best interest. Living with a hotheaded young man who is ambivalent about being a dad isn't good for the boy.