Ask Amy: Your affair is one to dismember

DEAR AMY: Over the past several years, I have been close friends with a co-worker. Recently, we have progressed from harmless flirting to an affair. I know he won't leave his wife because of their financial/family situation. I have also met a fabulous single guy who I enjoy spending time with, but I only see him a couple of times a month. He's ready to retire and trying to save as much money as he can. There is a possible long-term future with him, but the feelings for my co-worker are so strong. We share an unbelievable connection. I want to continue both relationships until I see where it all goes. I'm 50-plus years old and have never done this type of thing before. Am I playing with fire?Fabulous at 50

DEAR FABULOUS: If your behavior is what makes you fabulous, then I seriously need to rethink my own life.

You express not a shred of guilt or sadness over your choices: the impact on the marriage that you are willingly, even happily, infringing upon -- or the impact on your or this other person's careers. Is this fabulous? Decidedly not.

You are playing with fire. My advice is for you to stoke the embers in somebody else's barbecue pit.

DEAR AMY: My wife and I are retired. We have not had a vacation in more than 10 years because we have quite a large sum tied up in our lovely home.

Several days ago, she announced she was going on a two-week vacation with a female friend. There was no discussion before the decision was made. I asked how we would afford it. Her reply: "I'll put it on my credit card" and use our airline miles. In the past, I have never suggested she pay for any part of a vacation with her personal money. We paid for our trips out of what I call our family money (money I earned working or retirement funds). She believes that I'm selfish and controlling, and feels at times I'm holding her back. She says she should be able to do what she wants. I feel she is the selfish one. Please give me your opinion.Left Behind

DEAR LEFT: I agree with you. You and your wife are wrestling over control, and she is willing to selfishly plunge you both into debt to assert her independence. But marriage isn't necessarily about independence. It is about interdependence.

You should use this as your reason to mediate this and other issues with a counselor. You both need financial as well as marriage counseling.