Barely tolerant of son's girlfriend's job

DEAR AMY: Last year our 25-year-old son divorced after a brief marriage. It has been a difficult time for him, but he is an emotionally healthy person. Recently he started dating again and informed us that he is quite attached to his new girlfriend. He lives far away so I have not met her. My husband has, though, and says she is sweet. Well, recently we found out she is a stripper! We have told our son that this is hard for us to handle. He is a kind, open-minded, well-educated person. What is he thinking? He claims we raised him to have an open mind and open heart and not to judge people. Am I caught in my own web? I am losing sleep over this. Friends have told us we should forbid her to ever attend a family function. That has not been our style. My husband and I feel that the only thing we can do is be gracious and tell our son that we love him and that we hope he always makes the best choices for himself. I will be meeting this young lady soon. Somehow, unless we try to take her under our wing and persuade her to get a different job or go to school, it will be stressful. We are not a snooty family, but people who know us would expect a woman dating our son to be pursuing her PhD rather than pole dancing. Any ideas?Fretting Mom

DEAR FRETTING: You have been caught in your own web. And so now you should behave like the civilized, kind people you are, and be nonjudgmental toward someone you don't actually know.

And if you can't behave this way, you should start out by faking it until you actually know the person you are judging.

Your son - not you - will have to face the consequences of his choices. Dating a stripper is probably something like being a stripper; it seems one way in the abstract and another in reality.

If he asks you directly, you can say, "Well, this isn't exactly who we had in mind for you, but it's your life, not ours."