Being so rigid is no holiday for anyone

DEAR AMY: My first child was born in December. My husband and I like to be prepared for the holidays and other occasions. We like everything to be in order and enjoy cooking and cleaning. Last weekend, I asked my mom if she would like to come every Christmas morning to watch their first granddaughter open her gifts -- to make it a tradition for my daughter. My mom said, "Oh, I don't know -- we'll have to wait and see." I was so hurt and shocked that she didn't immediately say yes! My dad and his wife said they'd be with us. My mom resents the fact that since we've been married, she can't just "drop in" for a visit. At this last visit, she showed some major sarcasm toward my husband, and I didn't appreciate it. My mom also is depressed. She did well on medication but then stopped taking it. I want to get to the bottom of these problems, but I don't know how. Any advice?

--Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Wait a minute. Hold the phone. You are asking people to commit to a holiday schedule for Christmas morning. Which is seven months from now.

You were kind to invite your mother to share Christmas with you. But your invitation may have seemed out of the blue. You and your husband sound quite high-strung. It will be a challenge for you to successfully manage your household with a baby when you are so allergic to disorder. You must accept that people are occasionally aggravating. Agendas clash. Trouble shows up on your doorstep unannounced.

Do your best to make plans, but sometimes, "Wait and see" is not only a dodge but also a decent philosophy.

Control the things you can control (insisting that your mother call before stopping by, for instance). State your desires and intentions -- and issue your invitations -- with sincerity.

Ease up on the rest.

DEAR AMY: "Miffed Neighbor" was upset about being invited to the black-tie wedding of a neighbor's son. Miffed couldn't figure out why this invitation had come in because Miffed had never met the young man. I remembered what my father used to say: "I'd rather wonder why I wasn't invited, then why I was!"

--Sue

DEAR SUE: I am surprised at how often I hear from people who are upset to be invited to an event. I love your father's response!