Can marriage survive copycat infidelity?

DEAR AMY: My marriage has taken a nose dive. I take full responsibility, because it is a result of my infidelity. I love my wife, but I haven't been able to end my affair. Now my wife has slept with someone else. I am having a difficult time accepting this and ultimately making a decision on our future together. The idea of her sleeping with someone is really bothering me, and I don't know if I could move on and continue to be in a marriage with her. Am I being unfair or stupid?Lost Husband

DEAR HUSBAND: You are not being unfair or stupid. You are being unfair and stupid.

Your wife is also acting out, and apparently her revenge affair has had its intended effect.

Marriages can recover after lingering at the cliff's edge, but this can happen only with a mutual commitment to stop bringing other people into your primary relationship.

You do not exclusively control the dynamic in your marriage. If you use your wife's affair as a reason not to stay married to her without acknowledging your own behavior, then she has handed you the excuse you've been waiting for.

If you want to stay in your marriage, you two need to hash it out with a professional.

DEAR AMY: I was stunned by your "compromise proposal" for the woman whose husband wants to continue inviting his boorish friend to their family's Thanksgiving dinner. Who is preparing the dinner? Who shops for the food, bakes the pies, sets the table, serves the dinner and then cleans up? If the husband is not handling at least 50 percent of this work, he has no business pushing an unwelcome outsider on his wife.

Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I disagree that because the wife does the cooking, she should exclusively control the guest list.