Cheating on an abuser and crying for help

DEAR AMY: I am a married woman who has been in love with another man for nine years. My husband is abusive, and everyone knows it. My boyfriend thinks I am divorced. He lives in another state. He knew my husband and was glad when I told him I had left him. We are both 55. I am so tired of the lies. My kids don't know; my friends don't know. I have no one to talk to. I talked to a therapist at one point, but he had more problems than I did. I am so happy when I am with my lover; he is so kind and fun. I know marriage changes people, and he would probably be just like every other spouse if we got together. I really want to be alone and happy. I am afraid of my husband. He is very violent, but my family is here, and I don't want to hurt anyone by leaving. Doing this is against my upbringing, and it tears me up -- but I don't want to stop seeing my other guy. Now he wants a commitment.

In my marriage, there is no emotion, no love, no fun, no laughing. I cry a lot, alone, at night. Please help me.Lost in New York

DEAR LOST: Despite your previous experience with therapy, I believe you need professional help to sort through your choices, depression, despair and general world view.

If your husband is abusive and violent, your first task should be to get yourself and your children away from him -- safely.

You cannot make rational choices about your future while you are wrapped up in this abusive relationship.

It takes courage, support and a sure strategy to leave. Talk to a counselor at the National Domestic Violence Hotline who, I assure you, will not share his or her own problems and will help you develop a plan: 800-799-SAFE (7233). The organization's helpful website is thehot line.org.

Come clean with the other man; if he is a true friend, he also will try to help you.