Come clean with your kids about childhood abuse

DEAR AMY: In my mid-30s, about 12 years ago, I began to have "anxiety attacks." Because of sexual attacks by an older brother when I was elementary-school age, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. With the help of a wonderful therapist, my husband and a few close friends, the panic attacks and nightmares have been nearly gone for a few years now. Early on, I decided it was best not to tell my children and parents about this. We live a few hours away from most of my family. Would there be any benefit in sharing what happened with my children, who are now in their 20s? I do know that "keeping secrets" can be uncomfortable, and I don't want to burden them for no benefit, but I'm pretty sure they have some questions.

--Survivor With Secrets

DEAR SURVIVOR: You should tell your children about what happened to you. This knowledge could provide a context to some difficulties and unanswered questions from their own childhoods.

Secrecy is part of the dangerous and damaging legacy of abuse. Don't ask them to keep this secret. Prepare yourself for their reaction. It could affect their relationships with their extended family - and you.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Upset Husband" about the in-law who used foul language made me chuckle. Many years ago (1946), I married a man just out of the Army who had a not-so-nice . . . vocabulary. He tried to tone it down until it was almost acceptable. Then we had a child. This precocious son began talking very early. One day he tripped over a toy and voiced a string of his dad's vocabulary. It didn't take very long for hubby to clean up his language.

--Irene

DEAR IRENE: Many a foul-mouthed tyke has forced a parent to come clean. Thanks for the smile.