Coming to terms with having abused her kids

DEAR AMY: I am in my late 70s. My late husband and I raised lovely children, but I was an abuser. All of our children were victims of my abuse, but my daughter bore the brunt of it. A few days ago, my daughter and I had what I thought was a mild confrontation, but it became a monster. All she can do is cry, because she says it brought back memories of all of the things I did to her during her growing-up years. I have considered counseling, but I talked with another individual who said the problem of not moving on is her problem, not mine, since I have asked numerous times for her forgiveness and have prayed that God will forgive me. However, I'm not certain that I have forgiven myself. My daughter is a fantastic person with a fantastic career and on her own has raised well-adjusted and happy children. I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don't want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is "ready" to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now. -- Very Sad

DEAR VERY SAD: The person who advised you against getting professional help was wrong. Your past behavior is affecting your life negatively now, and it won't get better until you come to terms with what you did, take responsibility and make amends.

A professional therapist will hear your story, told in the way only you can tell it. You should encourage your daughter to join you. Ideally, this process would lead you toward a real, deep and honest reconciliation with your daughter. Yes, it's her responsibility to come to terms with her own life, but you are her mother, you were her abuser, and now you should work on healing yourself so you can help her.