Continue to be your niece's quiet hero

DEAR AMY: My wife and I recently took in our niece, "Laura," because her mom and stepdad wouldn't let her live at their home. Her mom has had three children by three men. She is now married, and she and her husband have a daughter whom they clearly favor over Laura. Laura is a nice kid. She keeps in touch with her mother via Facebook and over the phone, but her mother only grudgingly agrees to meet with her and will still not even allow her back in her home for anything more than a visit. Laura is over 18 and her mom has been no help in getting her on her feet -- withholding mail and standing in the way of getting insurance benefits. My wife and I are getting her medical issues attended to, have her enrolled in community college, helped her with her driver's permit and found her a part-time job. Our goal is to help her to become the good citizen we feel she can be. She is kind and compassionate. Do you think there will ever come a day when Laura will realize how damaging and toxic her mother is? How do we keep our sanity when she still maintains contact with the "mom and dad" who offer her nothing but Facebook and the occasional brief visit?

--Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: You and your wife are the kind of heroes whose deeds don't make the evening news, but what you are doing is life-transforming. Keep on doing it.

"Laura" reaches out to her mother because she is her mother. This impulse goes well beyond rational thought. You and your wife must patiently witness her personal struggle.

You don't need to emphasize how toxic her mother is. Your niece may continue to inch too close to the flame until she processes the reality of her life, which is that her mother is flawed -- or worse. Encourage her to talk about her mother, and unless she idealizes her to an extreme extent, you and your wife should continue to offer support from the background.