Daughter's boyfriend is her mother's age

DEAR AMY: My 23-year-old daughter just told us that she has a 56-year-old boyfriend. This man is my age! My husband and I are devastated about her choice for her first boyfriend. Beyond that, he is divorced and has three grown children, who quite possibly are older than our daughter. She attends and works at a university 700 miles from where we live. She lives with her dogs in a rental house in a remote area.

In his free time, her boyfriend hunts in the area. Although he is well respected and liked by my daughter's neighbors, we see a red flag in this relationship and can't get over their decision. Can you imagine where she would be in 20 years if she stayed with this person?

How do we convince our daughter to reconsider this relationship?Concerned Mother

DEAR CONCERNED: Your daughter might be very different from you. Her current choice may be a reaction to or repudiation of your lifestyle -- or it might be a reflection of her own aspirations.

You should be cautious with your reaction to this, mainly because there is little you can do about her choice.

Focus on protecting your own relationship with her. If your relationship is healthy and open, she will be able to talk to you about her life and you will be able to guide, rather than try to convince or control her.

Ironically, this man's children may be pressuring their father about this relationship from another perspective -- you could assume the extreme age difference would bother them as much as you.

You should plan a visit. Spending time with her and seeing where (and how) she lives may put this into perspective.

Meeting him would help too. Think about it -- you and he could reminisce about your favorite Bay City Rollers song!

If that doesn't turn your daughter off from dating someone the age of her parents, I don't know what would.