Daughter's family move? It's not up to you

DEAR AMY: Our son-in-law has been offered a huge promotion that requires relocating to a state several hundred miles from their home. Our daughter has (to our dismay) taken it upon herself to deny this move. They have a son entering high school in the fall who is an exceptional athlete and a young daughter who is an avid dancer. Our granddaughter is excited about the move; our grandson is definitely against it. Our son- in-law is torn between satisfying his family and accepting this once-in-a-lifetime promotion. We spend a lot of time with our daughter and her children, but we fully support his decision to relocate. We believe they should take this opportunity and have expressed our views. This has alienated us from our daughter. What can we do to change her view on this move?Upset Parents

DEAR PARENTS: If you asked most teens if they wanted to uproot their lives and move across the country, they would say no. But if you surveyed these same teens after a move, a decent percentage of them would have adjusted just fine.

The parents involved should ask all family members (including you) for your views, but the parents should make the final decision, and the children (and you) will just have to accept their choice.

This couple should have kept their own negotiations private to present a more or less united decision. Obviously, they have not done this, and your son-in-law has either enlisted you as lobbyists or you have taken it upon yourselves.

You should not endeavor to change your daughter's mind -- even if you are convinced she is making a mistake. She may have legitimate reasons to stay put, and there could be even more interesting professional opportunities for your son-in-law down the pike.

Wise parents do not insert themselves into their adult children's drama. By doing so, you undermine not only your daughter, but the whole family system.