Depressed over cold shoulder from grown stepchildren

DEAR AMY: I've come to the conclusion that I need to separate from my stepchildren.

They are all adults, some with their own children. I thought when they reached maturity they would remember the care I tried to give to them throughout the 28 years I have been married to their father. Mostly, they treat me with cool courtesy, never calling to see how I'm doing, putting the cameras away when I pick up their babies and expecting cheerful baby-sitting but never calling on Mother's Day. Though I am invited to their events, I feel unwelcome. I've recently realized that they have simply never wanted me in their lives. I am depressed about this. I think what I need to do is care for someone else's children/grandchildren. Money that I had put away for the stepchildren will go to a worthwhile cause. But I can't shake this feeling that I made a terrible mistake in marrying their dad. Maybe I should ask him for a divorce, but he loves me and tries his best to be a positive influence in his children's lives. This anguish might kill me. What are your thoughts?

--Sad Step

DEAR STEP: Your husband has a role to play in how you fit into this family. It sounds as if he has tolerated (and may have tacitly or unconsciously encouraged) his children's attitude. This heart-rending realization could mark a positive turning point for you.

Do whatever you want to do with your money. Donating it to a cause other than your stepchildren could be satisfying.

Speak with your stepchildren individually - not in a confrontational way, but to describe your feelings. You say, "Though I appreciate the fact that you are civil to me, you convey your lack of regard in all sorts of ways, and it makes me sad." A counselor would encourage you toward a healthier detachment from the choices they make. You would also see how your relationship with your husband intersects with this issue.