DEAR AMY: I have been divorced from my son's father for more than 20 years. Our 22-year-old son lives with me. He agreed to stay home for a while after my second husband of 15 years died of a long illness. My son was a rock during this time. My ex-husband needed a place to stay on a temporary basis until he could get his sales career profitable again, and I agreed to let him move in with us. He had, over the past several years, made a poor decision to be involved in an illegal business operation, which was a failure. My ex-husband's mother and sister can't stand his company because he is opinionated and argumentative. He's sincerely trying very hard to get along with us, though it is not easy. Five months later, he still can't afford his own place, and I'm sick of his company. Now my son has graduated from college and is actively searching for a professional job. In three months, he wants to move out and live with a buddy. I fully support him in taking this step. Is it fair to set a boundary for my ex that he must leave when our son does? I don't want to undermine the progress he has made. My son thinks he'll be kicking his dad to the curb just because he wants to move on with his own life, and I worry that he will take a pass on his own opportunities out of guilt. What do you suggest? 
 --In a Pickle 
 DEAR PICKLE: The sooner your son faces the reality of his father's limitations, the better he will be able to draw his own boundaries. 
 You provided emergency housing for your ex. Surely, he can continue to make professional progress from another address. You could help him find an inexpensive room to rent in a private home and give him a month to get there. 
 Explain to your son that his own job at this point of his life is to move on and move out. He has proved himself to be a wonderful family member, but he cannot be responsible for his parents' choices.

DEAR AMY: I have been divorced from my son's father for more than 20 years. Our 22-year-old son lives with me. He agreed to stay home for a while after my second husband of 15 years died of a long illness. My son was a rock during this time. My ex-husband needed a place to stay on a temporary basis until he could get his sales career profitable again, and I agreed to let him move in with us. He had, over the past several years, made a poor decision to be involved in an illegal business operation, which was a failure. My ex-husband's mother and sister can't stand his company because he is opinionated and argumentative. He's sincerely trying very hard to get along with us, though it is not easy. Five months later, he still can't afford his own place, and I'm sick of his company. Now my son has graduated from college and is actively searching for a professional job. In three months, he wants to move out and live with a buddy. I fully support him in taking this step. Is it fair to set a boundary for my ex that he must leave when our son does? I don't want to undermine the progress he has made. My son thinks he'll be kicking his dad to the curb just because he wants to move on with his own life, and I worry that he will take a pass on his own opportunities out of guilt. What do you suggest? --In a Pickle DEAR PICKLE: The sooner your son faces the reality of his father's limitations, the better he will be able to draw his own boundaries. You provided emergency housing for your ex. Surely, he can continue to make professional progress from another address. You could help him find an inexpensive room to rent in a private home and give him a month to get there. Explain to your son that his own job at this point of his life is to move on and move out. He has proved himself to be a wonderful family member, but he cannot be responsible for his parents' choices.

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Despite dad's struggle, son should move on

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