Dig deep to find forgiveness for mother

DEAR AMY: My father sexually abused me from a young age, and he was physically and emotionally abusive, too. He's dead, but I still have to deal with my mother. She is narcissistic and refuses to acknowledge what happened. She has accused me of making it all up. I don't want her in my life, but she is alone and lonely -- as she tells me each time she calls. I have limited contact with two brothers who have some contact with her and one brother who is in my life who refuses to have anything to do with her. I've tried to talk to my brother, but he won't talk about her at all. I have talked to my therapist, and she said my mother, now 88, lives in her own world and talking to her probably wouldn't help. My husband is wonderful and a great support. We have a daughter, and I need all my emotional energy for my family. I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty about my mom.K

DEAR K: Your therapist is the best person to explore this issue with you, but my perspective is that you should dig down into your feelings of guilt, strategize with your therapist about what you could do to relieve them and then act.

If you are emotionally strong enough, you should consider going to see your mother -- or writing to her.

Any contact should be on your terms -- not hers.

What she has done over the course of your life is heinous. But when you consider her emotionally stunted (and now very lonely) life, you might feel sorry (rather than guilty) for her many limitations.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It will enable you to move on and give you power over your past. You should consider that you are worthy of this gift, and see if you are ready to give it.DEAR AMY: I just learned that my best friend's husband was trying to have a relationship with another woman. They had long phone calls, daily. He denied to her that he was married (it stopped when the woman learned the truth). His wife is abroad. I have the phone records as proof. What do you think I should do?Anxious Friend

DEAR FRIEND: What you should do is nothing. Get your head out of these phone records, and mind your own business.