Distressed by husband's telephone affair

DEAR AMY: My spouse developed a telephone addiction for a childhood friend. This relationship has been going on for several years, but my husband has never mentioned it to me.

I learned of this by accident from a friend. When I approached him, he downplayed it as minimal casual contact. Later, he admitted he had a special connection with her and said that they are in touch often. He also says they are "just friends" and refuses to cut ties with her and her family. If they are "just friends," I cannot understand the total secrecy of this relationship (her husband was equally clueless). I am having a difficult time with this. It is as if they had conducted an intimate physical affair. The emotional distress has been devastating to me psychologically, and it has devastated our marriage. I am made out to be the villain by my husband and the other woman for demanding an end to it. I have been a faithful wife. What should I do?Devastated Wife

DEAR DEVASTATED: Judging from the contents of my inbox, emotional affairs are the new infidelity. These nonsexual affairs are very real, tangible and painful.

Marriage is like a house built by two people; the house's function is to contain the intimate relationship. Your husband has opened a window onto this other relationship without your knowledge or consent.

I borrow the "open window" metaphor from the important book on this subject, "Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity," by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Free Press). The authors' research on infidelity shows that for many people, emotional infidelity is actually far worse than a sexual affair.

You and your husband can mediate your way through this with the help of a marriage counselor. I agree that if he continues to maintain this secret and exclusive relationship it will seriously impair, if not destroy, your marriage.