Don't give up, just stop dating for a bit

DEAR SUSAN: My most recent love, has fizzled. She couldn't give in to my request to see my daughter, who lives with her mother, seven days a month. This woman and I saw each other seven days a week, but I was up against a stone wall when we talked about my visitation. I'm having trouble getting back in the swing of asking women out. I have so much love and passion, and I need companionship. I haven't tried a matchmaker yet, but I'm told it costs a lot. I give up. Jon G., Long IslandDEAR JON: Giving up isn't an option -- unless you mean giving up dating, that ludicrous ritual so inappropriate for anyone older than 16. This pause in your "dating" life could give you freedom and options you didn't imagine -- a loose, unstructured time to explore your world and activities that interest you. You haven't used your singleness to full advantage, because you were tied up seven days a week with someone who held you too tightly and wouldn't let you to be a father as well as her partner. Forget matchmaking. When it's the right time, you'll find your heart's delight. Until then, enjoy your lovely child every chance you get; she'll grow up much too quickly. These years are irreplaceable. I suggest using this freewheeling phase to widen your world -- and hers.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 35 and having a hard time finding a good relationship with a woman. I've joined a dating service, but no luck there. When I'm on a date, I try to be considerate and compassionate, but end up getting trashed anyway. I'm told that I'm nice but that she's met somebody special. Should I change?

Lenny L., Long IslandDEAR LENNY: Change to what? A hard-edged, unfeeling naughty boy who's hiding his niceness and putting on a mask to have better luck with the ladies? Hiding your true nature would be a travesty. Masks tend to slip. Your goodness would be outed. And then, because you would have attracted the wrong kind of woman, you'd be left with a mismatch. Your true self isn't a problem; it's an asset. But goodness is only a starting point, not an end in itself. The problem is there's not much else to spice up the menu. What are your interests, your ambitions, the book you find intriguing? The point is to conquer your fear and let her know the fellow she's with. In a pleasant way, define yourself. Don't be afraid to offend or contradict. If she's at all interested, she'll take the bait and run with it. Soon, the two of you will be trading mild barbs and smiling at the fun you're having. You are someone special. You just need to show it.