Don't give up on estranged granddaughter

DEAR AMY: My 14-year-old granddaughter and I have become estranged. Her parents split up after 14 years of living together. She chose to live with her dad while her mother (my daughter) and my 5-year-old granddaughter came to live with my husband and me. I helped to raise my older granddaughter, as her mother was a teenager when she gave birth for the first time. We had a very loving relationship. My granddaughter continues to shun her mother and me (her father has involved her in their breakup, and she has taken his side. He speaks horribly about our family). It is so painful. My therapist says to stay in touch with her and give her time, but her rudeness is hard to take. I know she is hurting. She wants her parents to get back together, but my daughter says that will never happen. No matter what I attempt to do or say she takes this the wrong way. She ignores me or turns me down. I heard she misses me, yet every attempt I make to spend time with her is met with disdain. What should I do to not further alienate her? I miss her terribly.

--Her Nana

DEAR NANA: From your description, her father is influencing your granddaughter and preventing her from having a relationship with her mother -- and the rest of you.

Think about it and you'll realize that your granddaughter doesn't really have a choice; to have a close relationship with her father (with whom she lives), she has to separate from you. She is doing the only thing she knows how to keep peace at home. Think of her as a survivor -- this is how she is managing her untenable position.

Be a loving and patient adult in her life. She deserves to have a family member who'll forgive her teenage flaws.

Assume that she misses you very much. Her rudeness and attempts to push you away are protective instincts. Please understand this. Her reactions will change as she adjusts to her situation and matures. You want to be there when she is ready.