Don't sweep aside hurts from grown kids

DEAR AMY: I have four adult children, two of whom used to adore each other but now have had a parting of the ways. One has said really hurtful things to other family members and even after the issue passes there is not one word of apology. Nor have we, as parents, asked for apologies -- even when the vitriol is pointed at us. We have put it out of our minds, but it is definitely not forgotten. They all function well in society, are college graduates, earn good livings, pay their bills and don't seem to have problems. What are the parents of adult children supposed to do in these circumstances? Stand by and pretend nothing is going on, or try to help work things out? What are our responsibilities, if any, to keep their behavior "between the lines" if they no longer live in our home?

--Older But Not Wiser

DEAR OLDER: When your children become adults, your primary responsibility reverts to checking, monitoring and adjusting your own behavior -- not theirs.

Upon reflection, you may see how your behavior has influenced your children. You may see, for instance, how your gargantuan ability to absorb but not react to vitriol condones -- an abusive dynamic.

You may also notice that waiting for "issues to pass" sometimes means that the issue never really passes. It merely lies dormant.

You should not tell these adults how to behave out in the world. Encourage them to work things out without over-functioning for them.

On your own behalf you say, "I've had it with your behavior toward me. You are my child, and I love you. If you want to talk things out and work things out, I'd really like to do that. But I simply won't put up with being treated badly." There might be more to this dynamic that you are ignoring.

If this adult has emotional wounds left over from childhood, you should welcome these discussions -- as long as they remain civil.